"One month without my Mama Jan"

It's been a month since I lost mama. Which makes it 30 days, 720 hours, 43,800 minutes and 2,592,000 seconds without her beautiful presence.

They say time flies, it really does but there's an incessant sadness. I have no idea how did I get the patience to live a life that doesn't include her. There's pain, there's constant fear and misery. However there's a sense of contentment, a satisfaction that she's in a good place. A feeling that she's finally gonna get what she deserves - happiness and joy.

She never had a great life, she struggled through it all. Yet she never gave up, not even when she was on bipap and doctors were not very hopeful. She fought her battle against this lethal disease. She kept on fighting until April 21, 10:30 am. She tried her best. She gave it all. My Mama jan was a warrior. She used to send us selfies from her isolation room with a victory sign. She used to send me voice notes saying, "I'm fine my love, don't worry. I'll be home soon". 

It's been a month and I yearn for her warmth and love. She used to tell me not to complain about Allah's plans. I had always been a whinger. I wish mama jan could see that I don't do that anymore, I wish she could hear me being grateful to Allah.

People and friends ask me how am I doing? I often says I'm fine rather than saying that I am surviving. I am surviving because one doesn't have any other option. I am surviving because she wanted me to do so.

Life will never be the same again. I wake up with a persistent thought that if I had seen her in my dream. I don't. I don't see her in my dreams. They say that good souls never return, they don't come in dreams.

I still remember the day she left, I couldn't believe that for the whole day. I couldn't believe that even when she was lying peacefully in her coffin in front of my eyes. I couldn't believe that there's a life without her.

Allah is the Greatest, the most merciful. HE is helping us to bear the loss. HE indeed has been so kind. This is a temporary world. A test. An examination hall. But, we often tend to forget that.

I still applaud the way mama led her life. All alone, yet she was so close to Allah. She used to say that she had left everything in the Allah's hands. She was such a strong believer. A woman who had nothing but Allah. 

Talking about grief, I'm petrified of living the life without my mama. I don’t want to do that. I wanted her by my side. I wanted her to be there. I wanted to continue making memories. I’m scared of the void I’ll always feel not having her with us. An everlasting void. 

There's a constant struggle of WHY? 

Why did it happen to me? Why did it happen to my family? Why did she have to get infected? Why God Why? Why her? Why me? 

I might won't get any answers but, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.” 

I miss my mama so much. I have a will to continue living my life. I want to continue making my mama proud and I’m choosing to move forward in her honor. 

I Love you Mama Jan, we all miss you. 

Yours Jiya.